Self Love and Dead Exes

A Poem

By Annika Kat

Have you loved me
Or have you only loved how convenient
How comfortable
How safe
How dead
I was.
Could you ever love
My raging seas
My uncomfortable edges
My frantic waves
That are now unbounded
Like a deep well that was once
But now trickles down slowly
Into my heart
And into the hearts
Of all those who love me
Because I am lovable.
Even in my wild and untamed confusion
Even as I stumble around
Trying to recover from years of pruning
Even now I am loved
By myself
Maybe you tried to love me
But the spaces between your “musts” and “have tos” were too narrow
For anything other than resentment
And disappointment to fit.
But she fits
And I hope you really love her
I really hope you really love her
Because I still love you
In a way that rare things are loved
Because you are only trying
Your very best
And I let you.
So I never call you when I am lonely
And I never blame you when I am sad
I only hold you dearly
And from a distance
Admire myself in you
Because I gave you pieces of myself that are now gone forever
So that you can love her.
And I really hope you really love her.
And I really hope I can really love myself.