By Amir Bagheri
I was sitting right in front of her, at one of my favourite family restaurants in the heart of Johannesburg. A few days prior to that day, I had found out about her infidelity and had confronted her about it.
I did not mean to hurt her by informing her about my awareness of the matter. I just wanted to put an end to, what I had assumed was, a great relationship before it turned any more hurtful.
I chose my words carefully. I controlled my racing emotions, just fine enough, to get through what was already a tough conversation. She cried. She called herself names that I would have never dared to use. She asked for forgiveness, and I told her not to be silly. I did not see myself in a superior position to have the audacity to think she had done something wrong and now I have to forgive her. I dried her tears, picked her up, and told her that things will be okay again.
Of course, I was hurt. But the pain was so numbing that I had forgotten how to react, and my only response was to pretend to be the stronger, more matured one. I never choose my battles correctly, but I still prefer to see my ships sink than the sanity of those I love.
She asked me to give us a second chance. Two weeks, and if things didn’t get back to normal, then we will say farewell for good. Of course, I didn’t last that long. After a week, I texted her and told her to meet me at my favourite family restaurant.
There it was. We had one final talk. I remember being dead inside, but I just wanted the closure I thought I deserved.
“Do you feel guilty?” I asked.
“Guilt is a wasted emotion…” she responded.
I took my walls down
For you to take its wrecked bricks –
So you can build your own wall
In this issue:
The Gut – Shameelah Khan
Evoking Melodies – Amir Bagheri
driftwood – Juwayriya Bemath
Sunday’s Guilt – Pippa Browning
Ode to The Coil – Nomthandazo Nxabela
Listless Guilt – Tangerine Tako
Memories in a Darkroom – Mandla Phakathi
Flashback – Kabelo Sello (photography) and Mandla Phakathi (poetry)
Hola – Mpho Mokoena
Mother – Sarah Leck
Petty Thief – j.e.c young
The Coconut and the Calabash – Nomthandazo Nxabela
Tracks – Maude Sandham and Nicola Pilkington