Anticipatory Avoidance is My Mental State

A Poem

By Masoodah Mohamed


”I am a member of (AA) anticipatory avoidance”
My breath scratches the roof of death.
Coarseness grates pink skin into
keratin confetti showers.
I am one foot in the wall,
several untimely steps behind.
An unholy grail of unlikely events
leaves signs for those who can see grief
even when it hides in butterfly-shaped boxes.

_______________________________________

”I fled my body to write this poem”
There are oceans in your body trying to find the shore.
Each sound-carrying wave echoes a different sin.
Some sins carry fear, some bend in sorrow,
grief whispers steady.
shame swallows
herself,
wails into the distance,
not knowing that’s how tsunamis are born.
Catastrophe receding before release.

_______________________________________

”dissociation”
I stored an unnecessary load upon my mind, continuously tried to protect it.
These factory settings led me to thousands of km’s in hundreds of days.
Until I woke up conscious in strangers’ land.
Discrete moments paused on multiple monitors in my head.
They have started to simultaneously play.
My body doesn’t want to stop reminding me how I survived.
A treacherous creature it has become.